There once was a woman I lived with, named Lisa. Lisa's boyfriend (now husband) lived in Marblehead, MA. She told the story of how they watched the sunrise....dawn came to Marblehead.
it's also my favorite description for when someone has an "ah-ha" moment...
Dawn has arrived to my husband's marble head.
He has admitted a lot of things, but not the least of which is his addiction. This is huge. Gigantic. Record breaking. Epic.
Yeah, like the girls would say "no dip." He drinks. A lot.
This has been a rough couple of weeks. I stopped talking to him, and he was drinking more than ever, but when my 8 year old has to say, aloud, "dad fell asleep watching football because he had too many beers" that's also humbling and it was my own dawn arriving to my marble head.
They can't be here and watch this.
His attitude to me has to change. He also has to love himself.
He thinks it is all from when Allison was sick, and the changes we experienced as we had a dying child, and then a major life changing surgery for her....she carries someone else's heart, and we are forever grateful. We had a dying child and a baby in-utero. Then we had a well child and a new baby after my c-section. He said this was when his life shifted.
He has to drink (he says) to quiet the voices..the voices that say things we all hear in our heads...."your kids can die anytime. life is fleeting. remember to save for college. killer on the loose. potty train your dog." and it goes on...yes, I have these voices too, I think we all do. I do not shut them up with beer or alcohol and I try to surround myself in love of the kids and husband I am with all the time to make them quieter during the good times. they peek through, but again, I don't think I'm unusual.
All that said, we now begin the journey of "after." So we know this, great.
now what.
the journey begins.
change will happen with him or it will happen without him. either way, there will be change afoot here at my little corner of the world for a while to come.
stay tuned.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Times, they should be a-changing
You know, it's not easy to be a stay at home mom. Everyone that knows me, knows I am working all day in the "mom" way. Laundry, dinners, grocery shopping, cleaning, taking care of the pets, etc. However, those of my friends and family that work (which is the majority) ALSO do all that and manage to pull in a paycheck. Sure, something's gotta give, and for the most part it's the cleaning part that gives.
My house is clean. My bills are paid. Dinner is (usually) planned in advance and executed nearly totally by me. My husband works from home--ugh--and manages to be "on call" almost 100% of the time that dinner is being prepared and kids are doing homework.
It's frustrating.
I am feeling lately like I need a job, just to make him realize that I am not here simply to do all the jobs no one else wants to do. I have asked him a zillion times (like any housewife) to do certain things and he simply does not.
He takes care of what he thinks is important--pays the bills, works REALLY hard, and then the not so great stuff that he also thinks is important: band practice, acoustic practice, band gigs, acoustic gigs, publicity (bar hopping) and hanging out with his band mates to discuss stuff.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh
it's not easy to be a stay at home mom.
really.
the kids think my whole job is to do whatever "maid" work they are not wanting to do.
I could rant forever, but today it's not productive.
My house is clean. My bills are paid. Dinner is (usually) planned in advance and executed nearly totally by me. My husband works from home--ugh--and manages to be "on call" almost 100% of the time that dinner is being prepared and kids are doing homework.
It's frustrating.
I am feeling lately like I need a job, just to make him realize that I am not here simply to do all the jobs no one else wants to do. I have asked him a zillion times (like any housewife) to do certain things and he simply does not.
He takes care of what he thinks is important--pays the bills, works REALLY hard, and then the not so great stuff that he also thinks is important: band practice, acoustic practice, band gigs, acoustic gigs, publicity (bar hopping) and hanging out with his band mates to discuss stuff.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh
it's not easy to be a stay at home mom.
really.
the kids think my whole job is to do whatever "maid" work they are not wanting to do.
I could rant forever, but today it's not productive.
Friday, September 13, 2013
The Gospel according to Amy
So I'm just wondering, as a married woman, how my words got taken as the end-all, be-all for all things from that point onward.
Not as in "close the lid of the toilet when you are done," or "pick up your own dry cleaning," but other things, that may change.
I have had three kids. I have had my fair share (and then some) of mood swings. I know. I'm tough to live with. I am.
However.
For having had no kids himself, my husband is really pretty moody too. He's demanding in his own way. Sure, I love him, but he's high maintenance. I learned about a year or two into our marriage, I was no longer the difficult one. Gravy on the side, shoes in a line, and quiet when the show is on. Yeah, he's the Sally.
One pregnancy I made a comment about the frequency of our "intimacy."
My youngest child is almost 9, and I'm pretty sure I didn't say it while she was the one I was expecting.
Today what I said was again touted to me as "the Gospel according to Amy."
(hey, that might be a great, great blog rename. Stay tuned)
Funny, I meant it at the time. Boy, did I ever. However, it's years later. We've both changed, learned and maybe grown a bit.
I don't still mean it, but I guess I never told him that. He didn't ask either. Things just keep on going their merry way and even though we've both changed our view on this particular issue, it's not been readdressed til today.
and then it was a fight.
So, when is it the time to bring it back up? When it's a fight? When it naturally arises? shouldn't one revisit certain issues, especially intimate ones, after more trust has been built and more time has passed?
Obviously, I trust my husband more now than I could have ever dreamed when we first got married, or even in the early day of having that first child. I imagine that in another 16 years I"ll trust him more than I do now.
Until further notice, this has been the Gospel according to Amy.
Not as in "close the lid of the toilet when you are done," or "pick up your own dry cleaning," but other things, that may change.
I have had three kids. I have had my fair share (and then some) of mood swings. I know. I'm tough to live with. I am.
However.
For having had no kids himself, my husband is really pretty moody too. He's demanding in his own way. Sure, I love him, but he's high maintenance. I learned about a year or two into our marriage, I was no longer the difficult one. Gravy on the side, shoes in a line, and quiet when the show is on. Yeah, he's the Sally.
One pregnancy I made a comment about the frequency of our "intimacy."
My youngest child is almost 9, and I'm pretty sure I didn't say it while she was the one I was expecting.
Today what I said was again touted to me as "the Gospel according to Amy."
(hey, that might be a great, great blog rename. Stay tuned)
Funny, I meant it at the time. Boy, did I ever. However, it's years later. We've both changed, learned and maybe grown a bit.
I don't still mean it, but I guess I never told him that. He didn't ask either. Things just keep on going their merry way and even though we've both changed our view on this particular issue, it's not been readdressed til today.
and then it was a fight.
So, when is it the time to bring it back up? When it's a fight? When it naturally arises? shouldn't one revisit certain issues, especially intimate ones, after more trust has been built and more time has passed?
Obviously, I trust my husband more now than I could have ever dreamed when we first got married, or even in the early day of having that first child. I imagine that in another 16 years I"ll trust him more than I do now.
Until further notice, this has been the Gospel according to Amy.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Thanks, friend.
I've been so busy the last few days with PTO at one school and running back and forth to things like Cross Country practice, gymnastics practice and Target, I have barely had thoughts to assemble aside from "Get out of MY way!!!" We Mass drivers are like that. sorry.
Today I had the joy of sitting with a friend for a couple hours with coffee (and no kids-delightful) and talking about things. She was wonderful, and just what I needed when I'm thinking about my life. She says, " I had no idea you were a certified teacher. When will you go back to teaching."
"Never." Say I. "I am so over the system."
"Do you envision yourself working outside the home again?" asks my friend.
"yes. But that's the real question, what do I do?"
She was a great friend and listened to all my rantings and shiny ball thoughts as we dashed from ziplining recently to how great our gymnastics coaches are to our collective kids. She did the best thing ever for me today too....she told me how good I am at being a mom and juggling it all.
"I'm such a mess," I say. "All the time. I think that it's so hard."
"That's what is great about you," she says, "you don't seem it at ALL. You are always on time, happy and ready to go. When you leave the room, it's a brighter place."
*sigh*
I have never, EVER been told that. Ever.
It was great.
Today I had the joy of sitting with a friend for a couple hours with coffee (and no kids-delightful) and talking about things. She was wonderful, and just what I needed when I'm thinking about my life. She says, " I had no idea you were a certified teacher. When will you go back to teaching."
"Never." Say I. "I am so over the system."
"Do you envision yourself working outside the home again?" asks my friend.
"yes. But that's the real question, what do I do?"
She was a great friend and listened to all my rantings and shiny ball thoughts as we dashed from ziplining recently to how great our gymnastics coaches are to our collective kids. She did the best thing ever for me today too....she told me how good I am at being a mom and juggling it all.
"I'm such a mess," I say. "All the time. I think that it's so hard."
"That's what is great about you," she says, "you don't seem it at ALL. You are always on time, happy and ready to go. When you leave the room, it's a brighter place."
*sigh*
I have never, EVER been told that. Ever.
It was great.
Monday, September 2, 2013
first post ever!!
Well, here it is. A friend of mine from college that I've recently reconnected with has told me that I should write.
"About what? Really?"
"About anything. Just get it all down. You have interesting things to say, and I read a lot of garbage."
Hmmm. I have a lot of thoughts, for sure. I get typical "shiny ball" syndrome when I'm in Target or something...and have all sorts of "when I get home" moments.
Of course, when I do get home it's all about unpacking, walking the dogs and getting business attended to for the moment. The golden inspiration of Target is forgotten until the moment just before I'm asleep.
So, here I am with a blog. Because I can. Because I'm the mom, that's why. (I love using that for anything.)
What will I post about? Well, currently, I'm searching for what direction my life will take after my kids get too old to need someone (me) to drive them back and forth to school, wash their laundry and make dinner every night. I know they will always need me in some way, but when they move out into the world (eventually, let's not get crazy here) is it going to be enough for me to do these things for myself and my husband? Dogs don't wear clothes or need their rooms cleaned. They also don't require summer vacation activities and sleepover parties. They don't have first communions or graduations from anything more than obedience class. All that said, I am pretty sure I'm going to need to find meaning in something else. Right now, I've got the luxury of pondering that as long as I can. It's like being a teenager again, only I AM in charge. (ooh, the power)
First up, you should probably know that at one point (before kids) I was a certified middle school teacher. I worked for one year as a substitute--roaming around from district to district. I had a "permanent" job when a teacher took a medical leave, and then that ended and I was again day-to-day. Once you are friendly with an administration, sometimes they will have you show up every day and just plug you in wherever you are needed when you get there. It was nice, but being your own classroom teacher is better. I did that for a year and a half too...I had my own classroom, my own set of kids and my own agenda. Teaching is a wonderful job, but so low paid. I worked at a private, parochial school in a small town. (read = no budget) It was cheaper to quit my job rather than pay for day care for one child.
So I left my job outside the house, to take the job inside the house and make it my own. I do love being a stay at home parent. I never felt I had to defend myself to anyone--if they wanted to work and have kids, all the more power to them. Of course, if every time someone said "well, it's easy for you, you don't work/you stay home" I had a dollar, I'd be typing this from my pool house in Tahiti. It's easy to be jealous when you don't have an option.
I have made my own bread, made countless dinners and learned how to clean just about anything. I have sewed quilts, Halloween costumes and crocheted blankets. I have house broken two puppies (not at the same time, thank goodness) and learned how to make jewelry. I have learned all that and more, because staying home is fun. It is also a lot of work.
I often hear it said that you should love your work. I currently love my work, but as it changes, then what?
This blog might just help me decide.
"About what? Really?"
"About anything. Just get it all down. You have interesting things to say, and I read a lot of garbage."
Hmmm. I have a lot of thoughts, for sure. I get typical "shiny ball" syndrome when I'm in Target or something...and have all sorts of "when I get home" moments.
Of course, when I do get home it's all about unpacking, walking the dogs and getting business attended to for the moment. The golden inspiration of Target is forgotten until the moment just before I'm asleep.
So, here I am with a blog. Because I can. Because I'm the mom, that's why. (I love using that for anything.)
What will I post about? Well, currently, I'm searching for what direction my life will take after my kids get too old to need someone (me) to drive them back and forth to school, wash their laundry and make dinner every night. I know they will always need me in some way, but when they move out into the world (eventually, let's not get crazy here) is it going to be enough for me to do these things for myself and my husband? Dogs don't wear clothes or need their rooms cleaned. They also don't require summer vacation activities and sleepover parties. They don't have first communions or graduations from anything more than obedience class. All that said, I am pretty sure I'm going to need to find meaning in something else. Right now, I've got the luxury of pondering that as long as I can. It's like being a teenager again, only I AM in charge. (ooh, the power)
First up, you should probably know that at one point (before kids) I was a certified middle school teacher. I worked for one year as a substitute--roaming around from district to district. I had a "permanent" job when a teacher took a medical leave, and then that ended and I was again day-to-day. Once you are friendly with an administration, sometimes they will have you show up every day and just plug you in wherever you are needed when you get there. It was nice, but being your own classroom teacher is better. I did that for a year and a half too...I had my own classroom, my own set of kids and my own agenda. Teaching is a wonderful job, but so low paid. I worked at a private, parochial school in a small town. (read = no budget) It was cheaper to quit my job rather than pay for day care for one child.
So I left my job outside the house, to take the job inside the house and make it my own. I do love being a stay at home parent. I never felt I had to defend myself to anyone--if they wanted to work and have kids, all the more power to them. Of course, if every time someone said "well, it's easy for you, you don't work/you stay home" I had a dollar, I'd be typing this from my pool house in Tahiti. It's easy to be jealous when you don't have an option.
I have made my own bread, made countless dinners and learned how to clean just about anything. I have sewed quilts, Halloween costumes and crocheted blankets. I have house broken two puppies (not at the same time, thank goodness) and learned how to make jewelry. I have learned all that and more, because staying home is fun. It is also a lot of work.
I often hear it said that you should love your work. I currently love my work, but as it changes, then what?
This blog might just help me decide.
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